Even the most successful of us have vulneralbities
that can paralyze us emotionally and prevent us from being truely happy. Sometimes
these are deep emotional wounds that can begin to present as physical pain or similar
One of the biggest problems with our current medical system is that we don’t
understand how to work with patients’ emotional needs. And these emotional
blocks, when not addressed, tend to manifest physically. Even women who see therapists,
many can “talk around” the therapist and convince themselves they could
manage on their own. Others take
antidepressants, but claim that when they take them, they just don’t
feel anything. The bottom line is that we’ve all developed negative
emotional patterns, and our tools for fixing these patterns don’t always help
us to find the joy, creativity, love, and good health we’re seeking.
Many times women could really use a program that promotes emotional healing and
self-confidence. The Hoffman Institute has been the place we recommend most often.
It is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people heal emotional wounds,
identify self-defeating behaviors, and learn more effective ways of living. Although
Hoffman’s program is not for the faint of heart, we’ve found that for
those who are brave enough to undertake it, the results are beyond your wildest
dreams in terms of emotional freedom. It doesn’t make your life “perfect”
when you’re finished, but it helps you understand patterns of behavior that
may trouble you, and it will change how you look at and interact with other people.
We spoke with Raz Ingrasci, President of the Hoffman Institute, about their process
and how women can become more aware of negative patterns in their lives before these
patterns get in the way of their overall health. The Hoffman Institute has worked
with thousands of women on these issues. Let’s take a closer look at what
the Hoffman Process
tells us about how you can heal your emotions and become the healthiest version
The power of the emotional brain
We often tell ourselves that our negative feelings aren’t productive, so why
dwell on them? The answer to that question is that if those feelings aren’t
resolved in some way, they won’t simply go away — and they can cause
you both emotional and physical pain for years until you work them through. Here's
an example: Charlotte had been deeply hurt by her husband. He’d lied to her
for years about their monetary situation, and the truth was only revealed when there
was no choice but to file for bankruptcy. All those years, she had trusted her husband
to be responsible for the money they both worked hard to earn. When the truth came
out she felt betrayed, humiliated, and so physically sick that she could not eat
or sleep. But because Charlotte had a high-powered job and because the logistics
of the bankruptcy had to be worked through, she assessed that there was no time
left for her to feel. She put her feelings in a box and went to work to find a way
out of the mess her husband had created. Amazingly she got them out of financial
hot water, reworked all their expenses, and even managed to secure a promotion at
work. But the painful emotions she had stuffed throughout her ordeal were never
fully addressed, and they continue to creep back into her life unexpectedly.
According to what Raz has seen at the Hoffman Institute, our emotions largely determine
the quality of our lives. Emotions direct our attention, motivate our behavior,
influence our sense of self, and attribute significance to whatever is happening
around us. Many of us walk around spending most of our time “in our heads,”
believing that we’re very rational about our decisions and actions. Yet in
reality, our actions are mostly guided by how we feel.
Burying our emotions only means they will resurface some other way, some other time.
They may manifest as physical problems or again as unwanted emotional states, but
you can be certain that repressed emotions will come back. You may have read about
the Adverse Childhood Events study, which looked at the way emotionally troubled
childhoods manifested in adults as physical ailments. The data were astounding:
the more emotional stress people endured as children, the more likely they were
to suffer chronic health concerns like heart disease and cancer later on in life.
But when we recognize the power and significance of our emotions, we can begin to
overcome the past and dramatically improve our lives. To tap into this emotional
power, Raz suggests “the best strategy is to become aware of your feelings
and move with them, not judge or criticize them and not act them out, but rather,
to allow yourself to experience your sensations and emotions." This is how we work
through problems and eventually heal. But many of us, like Charlotte, have been
taught to push these feelings down.
Negative love and our family patterns
Is negative love running your life?
Think back to an experience in childhood, where a parent did something that hurt
you. Now reflect on whether you have similar experiences in your adult life. Are
you in relationship where someone “does” this hurtful thing “to”
you; do you “do it” to someone else; or, are you “doing it”
Can you remember when you were a small child? I’m sure you recall being told
No! while in the midst of exploring the world around you. From the time we were
toddlers, our parents and other caregivers told us how we should and shouldn’t
act. From this guidance, we learned that their love and acceptance were dependent
upon our behavior. You may have heard: “If you’d only act more like
your sister and stop being such a cry-baby, you could come out to lunch with me
more.” Or something along those lines. As adults, we tend to reproduce the
very behaviors we used to win our parents’ love. And because repeating these
behaviors is rooted in the feeling of not getting enough love, Bob Hoffman, creator
of the Hoffman Process, called this the Negative Love Syndrome. From birth,
we learn by emulating the attitudes, moods, behaviors, and beliefs of our caregivers,
including those that were negative. That exposure and learning shaped us.
These behavior patterns play out in our adult lives as well. Many of us end up seeking
and cultivating relationships that are similar to what we experienced with our parents
because this is how we learned about love. These “negative love” patterns
often continue from generation to generation virtually unexamined.
Here's another story: Anne, has small children, and promised she would never force
them to bury their emotions the way she was taught to as a child. But as one of
her sons was entering and the other leaving the “terrible two’s,”
their house was filled with tension and drama. To alleviate the stress, Anne found
herself doing exactly what her mother had done: trying to return the house to peace
and quiet by stifling her sons’ emotions. The amazing thing for Anne was that
addressing her negative patterns enabled her to simply enjoy her children. She told
me the other day that without the worry of trying to make everything perfect in
her home, it seems like she suddenly has more time and space.
In order to become our authentic selves, we have to examine where our emotions and
motivations stem from. If you find that your critical attitude toward others comes
from one or both of your parents, Raz would suggest you ask yourself, Do I really
want to be so critical of the people I love? Is this really who I am? If the answer
is no, take comfort in the fact that you don’t have to carry the burden of
your parents’ traits. Nor do you have to blame them. They probably learned
this behavior from their own mother or father and most likely were doing the very
best they could raising you.
The Hoffman process of change: how we forgive, heal, and find our true selves
“I can tell you as a biologist that when we step into the part of ourselves
that doesn’t judge, that is simply open to the possibilities of the moment,
that what happens is we feel a sense of peace and gratitude. Enormous biochemical
changes accompany that, changes in the neuropeptides from the emotional center of
the brain, changes in our immune system and our cardiovascular system that are all
consistent with good health.”
Addressing deep emotional issues can give you a freedom you haven’t felt in
a long time: freedom from expectations, freedom for your body, and most of all from
the negative chatter inside your own head. But all this freedom may leave you unsure
of who you are now. And you can begin the work of redefining yourself.
Here is an overview of the transformative steps taken by Hoffman Process participants,
for your personal consideration and practice, and if you find you would like more
guidance, you can look into the Hoffman Institute.
- Awareness. Awareness is a simple, yet monumental first
step in healing negative patterns in your life. If we can allow ourselves to simply
feel and name what we’re feeling, the reflection often comes easily. For many
women, it's mostly fear. When we become aware of how we have been programed, we
can look at where it comes from and find a more productive response. On the other
hand, if we see the programming is good — which much of it can be from loving
parents — we can incorporate it more fully into our lives.
- Expression. When we discover that one of our negative
patterns comes from a parent or caregiver we felt close to, it can sometimes make
us angry or frustrated. Repressed and unexpressed
anger often evolves into hostility, depression, or despair. Expressing this
frustration is integral to the healing process. We hold anger and resentment in
our physical bodies, so it makes sense that we need to release them in a physical
way. Dancing, running, drumming, hitting a pillow with a whiffleball bat, or simply
letting it out in tears are all ways to physically release your frustration and
anger. It’s important not to confront the individual who is triggering you
while you are highly emotionally activated. In most cases, carrying this
anger into a conversation leads us right back to the very pattern we’re trying
to understand and de-energize.
- Forgiveness. The negative patterns we notice in our lives
have most likely been carried down for several generations. This means our parents
and caregivers probably learned to act out these negative patterns to win love from
their parents, so it feels natural, almost instinctual, to treat their own children
that way. If you can think about your parents as young children trying to decipher
the rights and wrongs of the world, you know that they were doing as they were taught.
And in most cases, all parents are truly doing their best and acting out of their
understanding of love. Finding emotional forgiveness toward your own parents and
caregivers for teaching you unproductive behaviors is another step toward healing
your heart and finding inner peace.
- New behavior Once you permit yourself to unblock painful
emotions and reflect upon them, life can become much richer, and you may begin to
feel more alive than ever before. With each emotional situation you encounter, you
can get into the routine of feeling first and then looking closely at those
feelings. Perhaps you need to work on expressing some pain, addressing a fear, or
forgive yourself for something you feel shame about. Practicing a more reflective,
rather than judgmental approach when you realize you’ve reacted negatively
will get you into the habit of stepping back and saying, Wow. That’s interesting.
I need to work through that. Instead of, Why am I such an idiot? I can't believe
I said that!
Trigger healing, not disease
Raz once asked, “You know why we’re all so good at using negative patterns?
Because we’ve been practicing them since early childhood.” It’s
so true. And we can take comfort in the fact that health-defeating interactions
with others are learned behaviors, behaviors that we can unlearn with time and practice.
The best part is that when we release these patterns and come from a place of love,
emotionally, it can trigger healing physically in the body.
The quadrinity of mind, body,
spirit, and emotions make us who we are. And according to Raz, much of the
work done at the Hoffman Institute involves differentiating emotions and identifying
positive alternatives that allow people to lead proactive rather than reactive lives.
Raz admits, “It requires intention and practice. It’s something we will
spend our whole lives doing.” But, it’s work worth doing.
It’s been said that the greatest journey we will ever take is to travel the
distance from our head to our heart. The Hoffman Quadrinity Process takes individuals
on that journey. It’s a path of incredible discovery, freedom, and love —
a path of healing and finding oneself.
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