How to create the sexual adventure of your dreams
By Barbara Carrellas
Lots of us crave new and increasingly intense experiences, especially when it comes to sex. Exploring new territory is fun and exciting but sometimes, in our eager anticipation, we try to go from zero to sixty with little or no warm up. And that can mean too much, too fast.
Variety may be the spice of life, but it can be easy to go over the top when you’re just beginning to experiment with different flavors. For example, when you first discovered the atomic hot sauce on the table at your favorite Mexican restaurant, did you accidentally turn your tacos into an impossible-to-eat inferno?
Too much of anything all at once can be overwhelming. But if you slow down and give yourself the time and space to enjoy the process of experimenting without pushing yourself too far, too fast, you may discover that you love eating entire jalapeño peppers. Or, you may realize that hot and spicy peppers are not your thing, and figure out that, instead, you love excessive amounts of hot horseradish.
I think sexual adventuring should follow a similar process. When you ease yourself into it, sexual adventuring can be infinitely rewarding as you discover and refine your sexual desires and expression.
Starting your sexual adventure: don't rush anything
As you set out on your sexual adventure, take your time to truly enjoy the excursion from fantasy to reality. Perhaps your hottest fantasy is having a threesome, or maybe you've always longed to explore the wonders of anal sex. Perhaps you’ve got an elaborate setup in mind involving props and costumes.
No matter what you’ve dreamed about, start slowly. It may be way too ambitious to attempt to play out your entire fantasy on the first try. That’s okay. Any erotic activity can be deconstructed into a series of manageable steps. Give it some thought and do some research. What will be necessary to make your erotic adventure possible, practical and safe for everyone involved?
I get it — you want to get the heart of your sexual thrill ASAP, but there is a bigger erotic payoff in taking your time. Moving more slowly heightens anticipation and helps prevent you from missing lots of potentially exciting details. Taking the time to linger over each phase and plateau helps you stay in the present moment so you can take it all in, one delicious moment at a time.
If you have a partner, communicate what you want and then listen
You can avoid the painful pitfalls of diving into a new erotic activity unprepared by first consulting with your partner and establishing boundaries that work for both of you. For example, let's look more closely at the very popular fantasy of a threesome, i.e. sensual/sexual intimacy between three people at one time. If you want to explore this with your partner, they obviously have to be in on the idea from the beginning.
The most important requirement for any type of sexual adventure, including a threesome, is that your partner explicitly consents to it — which is quite different from them having simply fantasized about it. And I mean this has to be enthusiastic consent—not coerced consent.
Perhaps your partner might be excited about the idea of a ménage à trois but still have reservations. For example, they might be enthusiastic about watching you have sex with someone else, but they might not want to participate. If that works for you as well, then you have enthusiastic consent. Now you and your partner can move forward and find a third person who’d also like to enthusiastically consent to this arrangement.
How do you start a conversation with your partner about inviting another person into your sexual relationship? Before you open up the conversation, do some preliminary research about non-monogamy and what it means to open up a relationship. If your partner has expressed interest in a threesome, allow time for a series of conversations about both your and their needs and fears about the idea.
Adding a third person to a two-person sexual relationship has plenty of potential consequences—many of them wonderful but some challenging. Talking it over with your partner builds trust and insures that you’ve both considered as many of these possible consequences as possible.
Yes, these conversations will take time, but it’ll be worth it because they will ultimately result in a much more rewarding experience.
Three tips to help you finalize your sex adventure’s itinerary
After everyone (you and your partner(s) and/or playmates) has had a chance to voice their feelings about the proposed adventure, it's time to work out the details. These three basic guidelines are essential for a successful erotic adventure:
- Be respectful of everyone's feelings ALWAYS. If everyone isn’t feeling excited and committed to the adventure, don’t do it.
- Don't nag, pressure or force anyone to do something they don't want to do. Yes means yes. No means no. Maybe means no.
- Be open and willing to compromise, but know your limits.
Erotic adventures can take you to new heights and depths of love and pleasure. They are limited only by your imagination and physical stamina. The care and planning necessary to make your adventures safe will also make them exciting.
Get more information about negotiating erotic scenarios in my book, Ecstasy is Necessary! A Practical Guide and learn more how to open up relationships in Tristan Taormino's wonderful book, Opening Up.